Healthy people orient toward relationship based on shared values and individual self-awareness. To a healthy person, self-awareness is attractive. They want to know what their beloved knows about themselves and their needs and boundaries! They want informed consent!

Unhealthy people orient toward relationship based on shared pain points (or mutual agreements to avoid touching pain points, which is still orienting through pain). Another way of putting this is: denial of self. The common point here is bonding based on not-self themes (limiting beliefs).

It's a totally different dimension from one to the other. They are incomparable. To the unhealthy person, the discernment of a healthy person focusing on shared values rather than validating past pain and suffering and accommodating it, can feel like rejection (especially if that person has identified with their pain, which is almost always the case), or worse, scrutiny.

To the healthy person, orienting toward relationship based on shared pain points feels like beating a dead horse.

The more healthy a person is, the more unrelenting they will be about ensuring their values are being upheld in the relationship.

This is because the healthy person is clear what merits their attention and what does not, in themselves first and foremost. They know themselves, deeply. They know that it's unhelpful to feed the hungry ghost of pain and suffering if they are looking for growth and expansion. They understand what the cornerstones of a healthy relationship are: self-awareness, self-assuredness, receptivity, and a willingness to grow _beyond_ suffering.

The healthy person also knows its his/her own responsibility to be discerning in these areas, and not to put the fate of their future in the hands of anyone else.

Healthy people spend time and energy considering what their values are, which will dictate what their needs are. It's a perfectly acceptable need to only be in close relationships with people who share the same values as you (NOTE: this does not necessarily mean they share the same beliefs as you!). THIS is why knowing what your individual needs are is so vital. Your needs being consistently met (or not) will dictate how you feel. How you feel (and what you tell yourself about how you feel) will dictate where you are most inclined to put your attention (and vice versa).

Where you put your attention tells anyone who is paying attention everything they need to know about what you value.